What to do when someone won’t pay you back
You lent the money, you’ve asked, and nothing has happened. Before it turns into a standoff, work through these steps in order. Most debts get settled at step one or two; the later steps are there so you know your options.
Step 1: make sure they know exactly what’s owed
Send one clear message with the amount, the date, what it was for, any repayments so far, and how to pay you. Ask for a specific date. Many “won’t pay” situations are really “didn’t realise” or “forgot the amount”. If you need wording, start with these messages.
Step 2: offer a payment plan
If they can’t pay all of it, make it smaller. “Could you do $100 on the 1st of each month until it’s cleared?” turns an impossible lump into a routine. Agree the plan in writing, even if it’s a message, and track each payment as it arrives.
Step 3: talk, don’t just text
A call or a coffee changes the tone. Ask what’s going on rather than repeating the amount. Sometimes the answer is a lost job or a family emergency, and you’ll want to adjust. Sometimes it’s simply that it slipped their mind, and a conversation settles it on the spot.
Step 4: send a final written request
If nothing has worked, put everything in one final, calm message or letter. Include the history, the total, a deadline, and what you’ll do next. For example:
Only mention a next step you’re actually willing to take.
Step 5: consider mediation or a formal claim
Many countries have a small claims process for modest debts: simpler forms, lower fees, and usually no need for a lawyer. Some communities also offer free mediation, where a neutral person helps you agree a plan. What helps either way is evidence:
- An IOU, a loan agreement, or messages where they acknowledge the debt.
- Bank transfer records or receipts showing the money went to them.
- A dated record of repayments and of your reminders.
Rules, limits and time limits for claiming differ a lot between countries, so check your local court’s guidance first. This is general information, not legal advice.
Step 6: decide whether it’s worth it
Weigh the amount against the cost of chasing it: time, fees, stress, and the relationship. Writing it off, or turning it into a gift, is a perfectly reasonable outcome. If you choose that, say so to yourself and close the record, rather than carrying it around.
Next time
Most of this is avoided by writing things down at the start: the amount, the date it’s due back, and whether there’s interest. An IOU takes two minutes. A ledger like ClearOwe keeps the history for each person and reminds you on the due date, so the first reminder goes out while it’s still easy.
Common questions
Is a text message proof that someone owes me money?
Messages where the other person acknowledges the debt, such as “I’ll pay you the $300 next week”, are often useful evidence, alongside bank transfer records. Keep them, and screenshot them with the date visible.
Can I take a friend to court over money?
In many countries you can make a claim for a debt through a small claims process, which is designed to be simpler and cheaper than ordinary court. Limits, fees and steps vary by country and region, so check your local court’s guidance before you start.
Should I charge interest because they paid late?
Only if you agreed it in advance. Adding interest afterwards usually turns a late payment into a dispute. If you want late fees or interest in the future, write them into the agreement before you lend.
When should I just let it go?
When the amount matters less to you than the cost of chasing it: your time, the stress, or the relationship. Deciding to treat it as a gift is a legitimate choice, and it’s easier if you decide on purpose rather than by default.